Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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