new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
