You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
dude i just saw a drunk guy attempt to get by IUPD and throw a uprooted bleacher seat over the edge of the stadium. funniest thing of life.
details please.
they caught him 10 rows from the top. the first thing he said was "wait I can explain, i just have to throw this over first."
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
