he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
