Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
