turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
