I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
