I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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