Don't make out with my wife yet
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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