i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
No I am not eating basil off your cock
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
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