Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
my liver is dry heaving
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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