My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
