So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I wish there were birth control emojis
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
