Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Randomize
