Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
