I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
