I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
