Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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