dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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