just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Randomize
