I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
