Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
