I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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