What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
