Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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