Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
Randomize
