no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize
