If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
i think i have two assholes
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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