when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
BRING THE BAGELS
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
