my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
