Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
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