remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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