you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Randomize
