Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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