She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
