I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
