what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
