My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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