I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
