You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Randomize
