You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
