3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
