I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
