swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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