I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
