He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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