I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
