How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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