Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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