i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
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