I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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