I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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